"untitled" - written in late 2006

once upon a time i used to be this girl

so lonely, so lost, confused, searching for answers

searching deep inside

looking for something, but i did not know what for

maybe for something that did not even exist

i used to hide, every day, deep inside

i used to cry, every night, sometimes my tears used to run dry

i felt so wrong, so weird, so dead

i wanted everything to be right, i wanted to be real, i wanted to feel alive

i was trying to find these answers but there were no questions

just emptiness, emotionless and sleeplessness

i was going crazy, i did not no what to think, what to do or what to feel

my life did not feel real

i would close my eyes and pray for the hurt and pain to leave my heart

maybe then when the happiness and joy entered i would find the answers

i felt so over protected, though i was not but i was

i wanted to break free, i wanted to see, feel, taste, hear, touch more

maybe that was it i had not yet explored the world and when i had i would find what i was looking for

my vision was bleared, my hearing was shattered, my thoughts were irrational

i searched for religion, i asked religion for help but religion was powerless

so i would sit by the window and stare at the nights sky with the stars shining bright

and imagine independence, happiness, powerfulness, fearlessness, joy, smiles and love all coming from with in me

i would feel excited that one day i could be this great woman

but i did not believe that these amazing characters could be mine

i wanted to be better then this lost, lonely, weird, awkward little girl

every time i thought i could be real i started to think that real was make believe

i could not be my self

maybe i was too scared, but scared of what?, me myself?

one night whilst i was a sleep i had a dream

i dreamt of an innocent little girl with pink angel wings

i heard her say "our lives may not be the same, but you watch me fly and i'll help you survive

be brave find faith then you will succeed, you will win"

then she jumped and i awoke

i did not understand but i did not care to understand

i did not forget those none understandable words

and by some unknown reason they made my vision, hearing and thoughts clear

with clearness came passion to be real, to be free, to be me

i strived to achieve equality in everything

and some how my destiny become mine, no one else's but mine

and all from a dream with word that i did no understand