"untitled" - written in late 2006

once upon a time i used to be this girl

so lonely, so lost, confused, searching for answers

searching deep inside

looking for something, but i did not know what for

maybe for something that did not even exist

i used to hide, every day, deep inside

i used to cry, every night, sometimes my tears used to run dry

i felt so wrong, so weird, so dead

i wanted everything to be right, i wanted to be real, i wanted to feel alive

i was trying to find these answers but there were no questions

just emptiness, emotionless and sleeplessness

i was going crazy, i did not no what to think, what to do or what to feel

my life did not feel real

i would close my eyes and pray for the hurt and pain to leave my heart

maybe then when the happiness and joy entered i would find the answers

i felt so over protected, though i was not but i was

i wanted to break free, i wanted to see, feel, taste, hear, touch more

maybe that was it i had not yet explored the world and when i had i would find what i was looking for

my vision was bleared, my hearing was shattered, my thoughts were irrational

i searched for religion, i asked religion for help but religion was powerless

so i would sit by the window and stare at the nights sky with the stars shining bright

and imagine independence, happiness, powerfulness, fearlessness, joy, smiles and love all coming from with in me

i would feel excited that one day i could be this great woman

but i did not believe that these amazing characters could be mine

i wanted to be better then this lost, lonely, weird, awkward little girl

every time i thought i could be real i started to think that real was make believe

i could not be my self

maybe i was too scared, but scared of what?, me myself?

one night whilst i was a sleep i had a dream

i dreamt of an innocent little girl with pink angel wings

i heard her say "our lives may not be the same, but you watch me fly and i'll help you survive

be brave find faith then you will succeed, you will win"

then she jumped and i awoke

i did not understand but i did not care to understand

i did not forget those none understandable words

and by some unknown reason they made my vision, hearing and thoughts clear

with clearness came passion to be real, to be free, to be me

i strived to achieve equality in everything

and some how my destiny become mine, no one else's but mine

and all from a dream with word that i did no understand

16th december 2009 2:27am

im just constantly full of emptiness, numbness, sadness

its all crazy madness

too many tears i have cried

inside i feel like i have died

but its alive

somethings growing

and my emotions are furiously flowing

my eyes are always bloodshot

from all the tear filled cries i have forgot

so many tears i have cried

they have just simply run dry

and i have been left with a burning pain

i feel like im going insane

so many thoughts run through my brain

causing me so much strain

having sleepless nights

searching a million web sites

to find out my rights

and to gain help and advice

but its all making me sad

stomach pains so bad

that nights can become a living hell

all i want to do is yell

but i feel all alone

there are thing i wish i had done differently and had previously known

but now this is it

it scars me a bit

it hurts inside lots

but i can not give up, i just can not

even if im full of stress

cause i was stupid enough to get into this mess

an now ive got to be brave enough to work my way through

and ive got to trust myself and be true

and not just for my self but mostly for this little person growing inside of me

i know iv got to let thing run free

let nature take its course

but i feel like iv got to do more

its all just a little bit funny

but i have no money

and nowhere real to live

and i don't have much to give

but hopefully i'll cope

and hopefully soon i'll gain hope

too much!

too many tears have been shed
too many vains have bled
too many days have go by
too many blank steers at the skys
too many people have been hurt
too many confused emotions
too many stupid motions
its all too much
i feel like iv lost touch
lost my sence of self
i dont know what iv become
constantly feel numb
alway feeling really alone
im sick of feeling like this

pain

will i ever be free?

i dont know what to believe

its hard when no1 cares

i suppressed by all my childish fears

im suffocating in all this god forsaking pain

im tourched by all these silent voices

and it all bcoz of these dam stupid choices

if only i had know

but then maybe i would never have grown

......

is this what has become of my life???

trying to make it throught troule and strife

trying to servive

i feel like i'v fell

dropped down and in to hell

iv done some pritty stupid things in my time

but resentally i feel like iv been walking around blind

creative expression: low

creative expression: low

low

long time, many years have past since i felt this low
itz like im in my own little show
feeinl like iv choken
im feelin all broken
diriftin in this liquid pain
going crazy in this emotion riden game
stuck in the middle of this show
traped feeling this low
gota find an end
maybe i should call upon death
then finaly i will be untraped
and this pain can slowly unrap
this pain is just 2 deep
as i watch i the blood seep
day turns to night
the blood stained so bright
still no end to this heartrenching show
this feelin still so low
steering at the satrs upabove
i remember feeling no love
as i stood at the y
listening to all thoughs lies
they called me a star
this just left me with a distent steer, so far
i turned to look at the deep sektch scar
as the women in chav strung her gitar
still this feelin so low
still no end to this show

abued youth

u know tat feeling u get wen u see some1 after a while. u no some1 uv known 4ever and havent seen 4 like 4ever. then u c them and the make u rember somthing.somthing tat happened lik 4ever ago and ur going to rember 4ever.u know that weird lost confused hurt kinda feeling that u felt 4eva ago wen that thing happened to u.and this person u c after lik 4ever participated in making it happen 4evr ago but didnt realiz bcoz 4ever ago they wer 2 busy stuk in their own dam world to even egnolig that 4ever ago u even igsisted. and this person that u c lik after 4eva didnt realiz aswel that 4ever ago they helped to kinda fuk up ur lif abit 4ever. also 4evr ago they stole something from u 4ever ago. 4ever ago they stole something that isnt real 4ever i mean it is real 4ever but u cant c it 4ever never.tis person that u c after 4ever also helped u to h8 them 4ever. and now after 4ever they realiz that u r aliv and lik u but cant undertand y u r the way u r bcoz they didnt realiz wot happened 4ever ago and wot they did 4ever ago. and u cant tell tis person that uv seen after 4ever bcoz wot happened 4ever ago hit u deep and u cant tell this peron that uv havent seen 4 lik 4eva and bcoz if this person that u havent seen 4 eva dosent know wot happened 4ever ago by now cant no after 4evr and also bcoz 4ever ago is like woteva ago....u know wot i mean???


imagin feelin trapped in ur own mind and the only one who understands u is u, even when u try to explain to people how u feel/wott going on in ur mind they still dont have a clue. imagin feeling alone and stuk in ur head. imagin going crazy in ur mind whilst everything aroung u is calm. imagin the pressure of the world building upin ur brain. imagin having to keep a terrible secret that buils up over time, each seeming worse that befor. imagin feeling scared, lost, confused, hurt, frigtened, alone, ashamed, wrong, dirty all at the same time....

yep youv just imagined wot it feels like to be an abused youth....